Let's Pitch a Movie!!- Contra: The Movie

I think that I've finally realized it. More than half of what's released in theaters today is absolute shit. It also doesn't help that, out of all that shit, that whenever a video game-based movie is released, it is about a 99.9 percent certainty that that movie will contribute to the shit.

Now I myself am a day-dreamer. I'm always day-dreaming about movies and video games that don't exist, brain-storming adaptations and works of fiction that I never bother to write down. However, as might be the case with a lot of people, I often get the feeling that if faithfully reproduced, these brain-storms could result in a product that would be... well probably shit.

But that's the thing! I can make shit, so what makes all these big-shot Hollywood writers any different? So, without further a-do, I will pitch my own idea for a movie. This one is based on a favorite video game of mine, Konami's classic side-scrolling shooter...

HERE'S THE PLOT:

Set in the not so distant future of 20XX, the radical militant leader Red Falcon has the Western world quaking in their collective boots with displays of unparalleled military might. Already having attacked multiple known landmarks in both the US in Europe, a joint ops force attempts to rally against the seemingly unstoppable shock troopers of the enigmatic invaders. Although both the British "Mad Dog" black ops squadron and American "Scorpion" armored division (led by former squadmates Bill Rizer and Lance Bean, respectively) are the best of the best in their nations' military, they are all but dessimated by the troops or Red Falcon. However, the joint op succeeds in identifying the base of operations of the invaders being on the remote Pacific archipelago of Galuga.

Being former squadmates, the most experienced, and the most battle-hardened soldiers that are "crazy enough" to stand up to this threat, Bill Rizer and Lance Bean are sent on a two-man suicide mission to the isle of Galuga to uncover and, if possible, stop the plot of Red Falcon. Armed only with skill and a "metric shit-ton" of ammunition, Rizer and Bean must shoot their way into Galuga, and through the horrifying secrets its deep jungles and military bunkers hold.

Little do our heroes know that Red Falcon and his cronies are not only more than the typical terrorist cell, but they are more than human!

LEADING MEN:

Gerard Butler is Bill Rizer: Gerard is a bad ass. Anyone who has seen "300" knows this. Sadly, since then, his talents have been relatively mired in mediocrity, and whilst he isn't exactly "Expendables" material, he sure as hell could pull off the role of the muscle man in blue, Bill Rizer. Butler could bleach his hair blonde to more closely resemble his video game counterpart (or not), and changing Bill to be a British special forces operative would make his heavy Scottish accent negligible.

Vin Diesel is Lance Bean: Many of the same reasons that make Gerard Butler perfect for Bill Rizer make Vin Diesel perfect for Bill's hetero life-partner Lance Bean. Sure, Vin doesn't have the luscious locks of his video game character, but that makes for copious gag opportunities! Let's also not forget that Vin himself has been in plenty of video games himself (well... three), and is intimately familiar with the color red because of his role in the instant classic "The Pacifier".

FINAL PRODUCTION NOTES:

Naturally, this movie will be rated "R" or an extremely "hard PG-13" for the graphic amounts of ass-whip and carnage.

The "morph gun" prototype, the weapon used by both stars in the movie (allowing a gun that will change depending on certain power nodes plugged into it; allows for the various classic Contra weapons like the laser, flamethrower, and of course spread-gun) will be made into toys for all the kiddies to play with. They will quickly be recalled due to parental complaints.

The film must open in the top-3 in its opening week in order to allow for the possibility of its sequel, "Super-C", to go into production.

So there it is, folks. That's the way a Contra movie written, cast, and directed by yours truly would go down. I'm hoping to do more of these little things, cause quite frankly it's really fun.

And just for precautions, should somebody actually think this is a good idea, Contra and its characters are owned by Konami and all ideas expressed in this blog are the property of Ricardo Gonzalez and i-Rix productions* (patent pending)

*may not be an actual movie studio, yet.