Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Let's Pitch a Movie!!- Contra: The Movie

I think that I've finally realized it. More than half of what's released in theaters today is absolute shit. It also doesn't help that, out of all that shit, that whenever a video game-based movie is released, it is about a 99.9 percent certainty that that movie will contribute to the shit.

Now I myself am a day-dreamer. I'm always day-dreaming about movies and video games that don't exist, brain-storming adaptations and works of fiction that I never bother to write down. However, as might be the case with a lot of people, I often get the feeling that if faithfully reproduced, these brain-storms could result in a product that would be... well probably shit.

But that's the thing! I can make shit, so what makes all these big-shot Hollywood writers any different? So, without further a-do, I will pitch my own idea for a movie. This one is based on a favorite video game of mine, Konami's classic side-scrolling shooter...


HERE'S THE PLOT:
Set in the not so distant future of 20XX, the radical militant leader Red Falcon has the Western world quaking in their collective boots with displays of unparalleled military might. Already having attacked multiple known landmarks in both the US in Europe, a joint ops force attempts to rally against the seemingly unstoppable shock troopers of the enigmatic invaders. Although both the British "Mad Dog" black ops squadron and American "Scorpion" armored division (led by former squadmates Bill Rizer and Lance Bean, respectively) are the best of the best in their nations' military, they are all but dessimated by the troops or Red Falcon. However, the joint op succeeds in identifying the base of operations of the invaders being on the remote Pacific archipelago of Galuga.

Being former squadmates, the most experienced, and the most battle-hardened soldiers that are "crazy enough" to stand up to this threat, Bill Rizer and Lance Bean are sent on a two-man suicide mission to the isle of Galuga to uncover and, if possible, stop the plot of Red Falcon. Armed only with skill and a "metric shit-ton" of ammunition, Rizer and Bean must shoot their way into Galuga, and through the horrifying secrets its deep jungles and military bunkers hold.

Little do our heroes know that Red Falcon and his cronies are not only more than the typical terrorist cell, but they are more than human!

LEADING MEN:
Gerard Butler is Bill Rizer: Gerard is a bad ass. Anyone who has seen "300" knows this. Sadly, since then, his talents have been relatively mired in mediocrity, and whilst he isn't exactly "Expendables" material, he sure as hell could pull off the role of the muscle man in blue, Bill Rizer. Butler could bleach his hair blonde to more closely resemble his video game counterpart (or not), and changing Bill to be a British special forces operative would make his heavy Scottish accent negligible.
For... personal projects! | Ricardo, master of Ricard

Vin Diesel is Lance Bean: Many of the same reasons that make Gerard Butler perfect for Bill Rizer make Vin Diesel perfect for Bill's hetero life-partner Lance Bean. Sure, Vin doesn't have the luscious locks of his video game character, but that makes for copious gag opportunities! Let's also not forget that Vin himself has been in plenty of video games himself (well... three), and is intimately familiar with the color red because of his role in the instant classic "The Pacifier".

FINAL PRODUCTION NOTES:
Naturally, this movie will be rated "R" or an extremely "hard PG-13" for the graphic amounts of ass-whip and carnage.

The "morph gun" prototype, the weapon used by both stars in the movie (allowing a gun that will change depending on certain power nodes plugged into it; allows for the various classic Contra weapons like the laser, flamethrower, and of course spread-gun) will be made into toys for all the kiddies to play with. They will quickly be recalled due to parental complaints.

The film must open in the top-3 in its opening week in order to allow for the possibility of its sequel, "Super-C", to go into production.

So there it is, folks. That's the way a Contra movie written, cast, and directed by yours truly would go down. I'm hoping to do more of these little things, cause quite frankly it's really fun.

And just for precautions, should somebody actually think this is a good idea, Contra and its characters are owned by Konami and all ideas expressed in this blog are the property of Ricardo Gonzalez and i-Rix productions* (patent pending)

*may not be an actual movie studio, yet.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Hear my horrible, horrible voice in real life!

Real quick post here. Just sayin' that if you want to hear my horrendous voice say the word "like" repeatedly, then you should catch my limited input on the TalkGames podcast at TalkXbox.com.

Just follow the link... right... HERE. While you're at it, check out my reviews for Alan Wake and Super Street Fighter IV on the site as well!

Hopefully my next post will have a bit more substance as I'm going to try something new and exciting. I'll give you a hint... it will involve movies and/or video games.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Impressions of E3 2010 (The Short Version)


Perhaps it is just my incredibly lazy nature, or perhaps it is simply because I just finished my review for "Get Him to the Greek", but I'm going to keep my thoughts on last week's Electronic 3 convention extremely brief (by my standards at least). Actually, come to think of it, I'm probably rushing through this simply because I really don't have much to say about this year's E3. I thought that it was, for all intents and purposes, pretty mediocre. I usually have some kind of electric buzz coming off of E3 because of all the anticipated titles and hardware that get announced, but this year just kinda has me feeling a bit deflated.

To give it a fair shake, however, let's run through the stuff that I DID like about this year's E3, and some of the stuff I didn't like...

WHAT WAS GOOD
  • Strong showings for returning franchises. Gears of War, Metal Gear Solid, Rock Band, Donkey Kong, Castlevania, Kirby, and many more returning series showed off some pretty damn impressive new games. Personally, being a big Castlevania fanboy, seeing TWO brand new offerings coming down the pipeline later this year has be uber-excited.
  • New Xbox 360 model looks slick. I'm usually not too huge on the hardware unveilings, but when I saw that sweet looking new 360 that Microsoft is putting out, I went into full geek-out mode. My battered and worn 360 that I've had since launch is still functioning, but I think I've paid enough dues for an upgrade. Only time will tell if I go through with it.
  • Nintendo is bringin' the heat! It was a surprise to see that, out of all the press conferences, I felt Nintendo's brought the most to the table. Not only did they show off the new hardware of the Nintendo 3DS, but they brought a huge brace of games from some of their most popular franchises; many of which haven't had proper console iterations in some time now. Way to go, dudes.
  • Disney? Yes, Disney is moving up in the world of gaming, bringing Epic Mickey, Tron, and Pirates of the Caribbean: Armada of the Damned to the show floor this year. And they all looked AWESOME. I genuinely am getting excited about what this more serious approach could mean for future licensed Disney software.
WHAT WAS CRAP
  • The goddamn Kinect. I am already sick of this thing and it isn't even released yet. Some of the interface functions of it seem actually kinda cool and intriguing, but as far as playing games with it? No thank you. Besides Dance Central, all the "games" seem like little more than dumb tech demos for a casual audience. I know that Microsoft is trying to reach an all new audience, but they risk alienating the "core" of their existing following.
  • Where are the new properties? Yes, I enjoyed the fact that existing franchises are getting some great new installments, but where's the originality? C'mon developers, bring in those new IP's!
  • The Legend of Zelda: Derivative Ass Game Number 5. I think that simply because it has been around so long, people think that Zelda is beyond reproach. It isn't. In fact, people should be reproaching the shit out of that franchise at this point. Ever since Ocarina of Time, that seems to be the only game that keeps getting made repeatedly in this series. Ocarina of Time is a great game, and I know the fanboys are going to cry if there is any deviation from that vein, but this franchise needs a shot in the ass.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Questionable Review: Get Him to the Greek

I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm a Judd Apatow fanboy. Whether he's producing, writing, or directing, I tend to fall in love with almost every project he touches. The emphasis here is on "almost", though. There is the odd movie here and there that I either didn't think lived up to its potential (IE Funny People) or those that I just didn't feel was that funny (IE Pineapple Express). The dude and his constituents certainly know funny, but they aren't infallible, and of all their works, the one most tightly connected to "Get Him to the Greek" is "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"; a movie I have yet to see.

Does this put me at any sort of disadvantage watching Jonah Hill and Russell Brand's new comic road show, does the movie stand on its own and carve out a big slice of funny, or is the movie so bad that this point is moot?

SO WHAT'S THIS MOVIE ABOUT?
The plot of "Get Him to the Greek" is extremely simple. Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) works for a struggling record label fronted by P. Diddy (under the name of Sergio, but trust me, it's P. Diddy). Asking his subordinates to pitch ideas for how to get the company out of their financial slump, Green proposes an anniversary show for rocker Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), celebrating a his defining concert at the Greek Theater in Los Angeles. The only problem is that Snow has been a complete and utter wreck since his last album, African Child, was declared one of the worst albums ever conceived, and has since returned to drug and alcohol abuse after his long time girlfriend (Rose Byrne) left him and took his son. Now, with both their careers hanging in the balance, Green must get the unruly rocker from his home in London to the concert in L.A. in just three days. Chaos (and hilarity?) ensue as this task proves more impossible than the young Aaron could have ever imagined.

SO WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT THIS MOVIE?
The movie benefits tremendously from the comic prowess of its dual lead. Both Jonah Hill and Russell Brand have their unique comic stylings working in tandem here, and for the most part it completely works. Not every gag is knee-slapping, but they come so fast and furious here that you should at least be chuckling through a majority of the film.

SO WHAT SUCKS ABOUT THIS MOVIE?
Kinda... everything else. Yeah, I don't want to be a downer here, but there just isn't really anything else to the film. Sure, Aaron and Aldous get into all sorts of OUTRAGEOUS situations, but every one of these just seem to be pointless, not really having any kind of lasting imprint or impact on the story. At the risk of spoiling too much, I'd like to point out the entire Las Vegas detour the movie makes. The whole point of it seemed to be so Aldous could reconcile with his estranged father, but instead the movie takes a ridiculous mad-cap turn that leaves nothing resolved and only serves to pad out the movie's lengths. Don't get me wrong, some of the more humorous gags in the movie take place in this Vegas lay-over, but it serves no purpose in pushing the movie's message.

And that'd be fine if this was a comedy for comedy's sake, but at many points the movie makes it a point to drive the human drama and preach some type of message about flaws in the story's main characters. These messages are, quite frankly, all over the place and often contradict one another. Aldous Snow is definitely a compelling character, and many of his serious moments are genuinely touching (thanks to some pretty superb acting by Russell Brand), but it's too bad the movie can't seem to decide whether it wants you to celebrate his debauched antics or to pity his loss of humanity until there are literally ten minutes left in the film. Also, despite some semi-witty interactions with our lead characters, the supporting cast here is universally weak (and yes, I'm including P. Diddy in this statement).

ANYTHING ELSE?
I think that, after watching this, my man-crush for Russell Brand has reached a near Paul Rudd-lian level.

SO WHAT'S THE FINAL VERDICT?
It may seem like I disliked this film, but it honestly did make me laugh quite a lot. The biggest problem is that, after the final credits and several days of down-time, there just isn't anything of substance to hold onto with "Get Him to the Greek". It's not bad, it's just nothing really special. This is unfortunate considering the talents of Jonah Hill and Russell Brand, but the fact of the matter is that this is likely to be nowhere near their finest work. If you have a group of rowdy friends, then catch a matinee and you're sure to have a good time. Otherwise, you're not really missing anything by just catching this one when it's out on DVD.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Questionable Review: The A-Team

Ah yes, the A-Team. The classic 1980s television series re-imagined as a modern blockbuster. When I say classic, I am using assumptive terms because, quite frankly, at the age of 21, I have no idea what this show used to be about. I was born in 1988 and although I do appreciate many things that were created before my birth year regularly (movies, video games, all that good stuff), the A-Team was just never on that list of things that interested me. It was in this general lack of dis-interest that I walked into the theater Friday night to watch the A-team 2010 movie. I've always had mixed feelings about these remakes; often they have either so little to do with the original source material that they could have been original properties by themselves, OR they make such a pandering outreach to those who have fond memories of their namesake that they become unenjoyable by all.

Do either of these misfortunes befall the A-Team? The answer sure surprised me.

SO WHAT'S THIS MOVIE ABOUT?
The A-Team revolves around one Col. Hannibal Smith (Liam Neeson) and his rag tag crew of unorthodox soldiers; Face (Bradley Cooper), B.A. Baracus (Rampage Jackson), and Murdock (Sharlto Copely). Once the most respected unit in their division of the armed forces, the A-Team soon find themselves in a sticky situation as they're framed for war crimes, stripped of their ranks, and placed in separate federal prisons. Bad-asses that they are, they easily overcome this setback and set off on a path of redemption to find the men who set them up and clearing their good names with the clandestine help of the shadowy Agent Lynch (Patrick Wilson), dogged every step by Lt. Sosa (Jessica Biel). Throw in a copious amount of explosions and even more ridiculously orchestrated schemes by Hannibal and his team, and you have the A-Team in a nutshell.

SO WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT THIS MOVIE?
Wow... just wow. What a surprise this movie was. First and foremost, the cast that makes up the movie is fantastic. The A-Team in particular have great chemistry with one another, and each unique character not only has a great personality, but most go through some sort of character growth or sub-plot, and each have their moment in the sun. The sun of BAD-ASSERY. In all seriousness, though, that is the driving force of this movie. That, and the absurdly choreographed plans that the team pulls off. Obviously, tension doesn't really come from wondering whether or not all these characters are going to make it out of a situation, rather just from the sheer stupidity of the situations themselves and the creative ways the filmmakers decided to resolve them. It's just big, dumb fun.

SO WHAT SUCKS ABOUT THIS MOVIE?
The story in this movie can get a little... messy at times. Not so much messy as you're never quite sure where it's going to go. It gets very caught up in what is happening NOW, and for a movie that's all about "When a plan comes together", it seems like it doesn't always plot out its next move with a whole lot of forthrightness. Speaking of being caught up in the action, a lot of these action scenes are filmed very shaky and chaotic. I suppose that's the point, as the action is in a constant state of chaos, but it doesn't make them look any cooler, but rather just harder to see. Also, for all the really cool stuff in the movie, the climactic "plan" and action scene at the end of the movie is a little far fetched (even by this movie's standards) and not all that clever. That's a little disappointing.

ANYTHING ELSE?
For all my doubts, Rampage Jackson really wasn't terrible in this movie. I mean, he's by far the worst actor in the movie, but they gave him enough cool action scenes that it made up for it. This movie also almost causes a rip in the space/time continuum by making Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel make out, an act I'm almost certain brings about the end of the world in the year 2012 through the power of their combined hotness.

SO WHAT'S THE FINAL VERDICT?
The A-Team is just fun. It's fun with little down side, which is a rare thing in today's day and age. There's good chemistry with the cast, and the action scenes are fantastic. Whether you're a fan of the show, or of action movies in general, you could do worse... nay... you OWE it to yourself to see this movie. It's a popcorn flick at its best, and should be experienced in a rowdy theater, on the big screen, and with every explosion pounding your ears.
It might not be high-class entertainment, but you'll be having too much fun to care. Go see it.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Mortal Konfusion

Despite the well-received Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe of 2009, I have to say my interest in a new Mortal Kombat... ANYTHING was pretty low. The series may have, gameplay-wise, supposedly gotten back on track (I personally enjoyed the feel of Deadly Alliance and Deception a lot better), the series' characters and mechanics just seemed extremely stale at this point. After Midway Games died, I figured the next time I saw Mortal Kombat, it'd be an extremely different looking game than its predecessors. If I was being really honest with myself, though, I really didn't care.

That is until earlier this week when I saw this crazy... trailer? Fan film? Thing? Well, whatever it was, it was live-action and Mortal Kombat related. AND IT DIDN'T SUCK! In fact, it was pretty awesome. The short version is that, essentially, Mortal Kombat's shit just got real. The story involved was in a gritty approximation of a real-world city, one where psychopaths, underground assassins, and just overall nasty people were running amok. Luckily, it seems like a familiar face (among many others) was holding a blood-sport tournament for all these crazies, so the police of the city decide to send their own plant in the form of a highly trained assassin (wink wink) to kill all the trouble-makers in one fell swoop. If none of that makes sense, just know that it was an exciting new direction for the series and, for all intents and purposes, looked like it was something almost the entire community of fans agreed looked "bad ass"?

Since you likely still have no idea what I'm talking about... just take a look yourself!

I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!

So, after everybody got excited about this... thing, it was revealed that HEY this thing is really... nothing. Nope. All this little bit of awesome was was a pitch for a potential Mortal Kombat and nothing more. An effing PITCH. More like an effing tease.

Oh well, I personally decided to just move on and go about my normal non-MK life when today I see yet ANOTHER video. Another Mortal Kombat video in two days! Don't adjust your calendar, we are indeed in the year 2010. Well, this one was actually about something that exists; a new Mortal Kombat game! Does this game have the same oomph and impact that the fantastically produced movie trailer we just saw had?! TO THE VIDEO SCOPE!!

NOPE!

I mean... don't get me wrong, this seems like a decent enough throwback. It seems like a decent-looking and decent-playing addition to the Mortal Kombat pantheon of decent-looking/decent-playing games.

But that's the problem. This series isn't dying off because people are wanting the "good old days" of the classic MK's. There are plenty of new-er iterations of those games that, if we wanted, we could GO BACK TO those good old days in a second. This series is dying off because there is just nothing exciting about it anymore. The series is not evolving or refining, it is simply existing.

Play a 1990s Mortal Kombat game. Now play a 2000s Mortal Kombat game. Now tell me what the problem is. Is it that the later iterations changed the franchise too much? That there isn't enough old MK flavor in the newer installments? The answer to both questions is no. So then why is the series dying off? It's because all the installments are TOO similar. It's because the series hasn't changed in any meaningful ways for all the years. There is a reason why games like Mega Man 10 and Super Street Fighter II HD Remix are less expensive niche titles on XBLA.

I don't want it to sound like I am judging this Mortal Kombat on a minute-long trailer (although I totally am). I really want this game to succeed, and I plan on playing it. I just think gamers should be honest with themselves.

And honestly, Mortal Kombat 9, if that IS your real name. You have a lot to live up to coming in the wake of Black Dynamite playing Jax...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Summer of my Discontent (2010 Edition)

As amazing as the summer time can be for movies, it seems more and more that it is the exact opposite for video games. Sure, E3 is in the summer and with it, the promise of boat loads of sweet titles to come, but actual game releases? Those seem relatively non-existent in the warm summer months. Is it because game developers really think that we nerds are going to the beach or having barbecues or something? Because I can assure them... WE'RE NOT.

It can be tough to be sure. These are the months to go back and re-play those games which you really enjoy, or to dig through the back catalog from earlier in the year, but few things of any real note are coming down the pipeline which is extremely unfortunate.

Regardless, with release calendar in hand, I have taken it upon myself to name a few games that might bring myself (and hopefully YOU, the nonexistent audience) some solace from the summer storm. I'll go ahead and give a brief explanation of why each game might be worth your time.

TOY STORY 3: The Video Game

No, I'm not trying to derail my list from the get go. I'm dead serious when I say Toy Story 3 looks like a hoot. It looks fun! After all, isn't that why we love video games in the first place? Not only is it sporting plenty of Toy Story flavor packed into a cute and polished little platformer, but there's actually a genuinely interesting element going into Toy Story 3: the Video Game.
Called the "Toy Box" mode, what we essentially get is one of three playable characters (Woody, Buzz, and Jessie) in a Toy Story-themed open world and city-building game. Not only will you be collecting toys and various other goodies that can be dropped into various playsets in your toy box, but you can then jump into said playsets and complete missions in an free-roaming style. That sounds pretty fun to me.
And again... isn't that the point?

TRANSFORMERS: WAR FOR CYBERTRON
Another licensed game?! Well, yes... it IS summer, people! If I'm being honest, this is probably a much more legitimate choice to be a decent game than Toy Story 3, but whatever. Transformers has always been something that should be fairly simple to make a good game out of, yet it is constantly gotten wrong. This game, by taking it away from the movies and new continuity and moving it into something that is closer to the original series (combined with what looks like fun gameplay and some sweet multiplayer), it's difficult for even the most tame of Transformers fans to not get excited about it.

Oh, and because Gamestop's new TV spot hints at it, they better sure as FUCK be putting Stan Bush's "The Touch" in the game!

Crackdown 2
I was never a big fan of the first Crackdown. There just wasn't enough to the actual game to sink my teeth into, and although I liked the kind of progressive superhero in an open-world vibe they were going for, I just never find it super compelling. The new one looks to be more of the same, but with an improved multiplayer and some tweaks to the gameplay.
For all intents and purposes, that shouldn't mean I'd get excited about this, but I'm a different gamer than I was when the first game came out. With its improvements, I think Crackdown 2 should not only be more accessible, but more enjoyable as well.

And there ya have it. There are a few other games coming out that... I suppose could be cool. Singularity comes to mind, as does that Mafia game that is FINALLY supposed to be coming out, but those are the games that, in all honesty, have MY attention.

What that says about me, I don't even wanna go into. However, when these games end up being either successes or instant cult classics, you know who said it first! Until next time.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Questionable Review: Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time


Video games are awesome. This is a fact. Movies are also awesome. This too is irrefutable. However, something that can also go without saying is the sad truth that, while video games based on movies have greatly improved over time, the same cannot be said about movies based on video games. No matter how strong the source material, Hollywood writers and directors never seem to "get it" when it comes to interpreting the extremely interactive medium of gaming onto the silver screen.

Enter "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time", a game series recently concluded by game developer Ubisoft and now a movie adaptation by Disney of all people. The PoP series became a hit with gamers for its innovative gameplay involving time manipulation and acrobatic platforming. and the tone, ambiance, and lore of its mythical Middle-Eastern setting. The big question remains, though: will Prince of Persia finally rise above the trash heap of bad game movies and bring a new standard to the genre? Or are you better off just burying your head in the sand and forgetting about this one?

SO WHAT'S THIS MOVIE ABOUT?
"Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time" revolves around the titular character of Prince Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal). Adopted by the king into the Persian royal family, Dastan grows up to become a mighty, if not particularly goofy, warrior. After a hasty conquering of the holy city of Alamut, Dastan finds a mysterious dagger that he takes as his prize much to the dismay of the city's princess, Tamina (Gemma Arterton). However, the victory is short-lived, as Dastan's father is killed and he finds himself accused of the murder. Now, accompanied only by the reluctant Tamina, Dastan must unravel the mystery of his father's death, the powers of the dagger in his possession, and must clear his name with the whole of the Persian Empire pursuing him.

SO WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT THIS MOVIE?
Two words. ACK SHUN (at least I think it's two words)! Prince of Persia contains almost a pervasive amount of action scenes. Although this might not always be the most positive thing for the movie's narrative, it at least provides a large amount of eye candy. All the characters are at the very least likeable, although Gyllenhaal's and Arterton's (talk about eye candy) respective performances are a little underwhelming. Rather, it is the performance of minor characters like Alfred Molina as an unscrupulous merchant and Ben Kingsley as Dastan's uncle and the royal vizier that actually stand out. The special effects are all well done, and the sets provide a great level of atmosphere to the proceedings, even if they do abandon the dream-like style of the game for a more cliche'd Arabian Nights asthetic. Lastly, the score is decent and (perhaps most importantly) the movie sticks close enough to the style and story of the game to satisfy fanboys.

SO WHAT SUCKS ABOUT THIS MOVIE?
In contradiction to what I just said, the story probably DOES stray a little too far from the source material. Despite many things it does right, this movie is still guilty of over-complicating an extremely easy to execute story. Instead, it tries to introduce too many ideas and plot threads, most of which get resolved far too quickly to be satisfying. This makes the narrative of the movie constantly feel like it's attempting to catch up to the break-neck action happening every other minute. Furthermore, this makes many of the characters feel shallow and underdeveloped. It's also of note that the time-manipulating dagger, the movie's most interesting concept, is painfully under utilized; the movie is called The Sands of Time, so why isn't this talent exploited to its fullest potential?!

ANYTHING ELSE?
It's probably not clear whether or not, if you're a fan of the Prince of Persia games, you'll be a fan of the movie. Yes, the movie takes liberties with the story of The Sands of Time trilogy, but overall, there's enough here that is actually pretty faithful. The overall story is that of the Sands of Time video game, with the lead characters' personalities more closely resembling their counterparts from the 2008 Prince of Persia game. Other nods include the Dastan's battle armor resembling his outfit from Prince of Persia: Warrior Within, and one of the whips of the dastardly assassins resembling the whip-sword from Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones.
If you're a fan of the series, you'll at least have fun spotting all the references.

SO WHAT'S THE FINAL VERDICT?
Prince of Persia is a decent action flick. It's good, mindless, swashbuckling fun in a unique setting and little else. As such, it makes it the BEST video game to movie adaptation ever, and a charming film to watch with the whole family. It has plenty of faults, but there certainly is no harm seeing this one as a matinee for a fun-filled afternoon.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Top 5 WORST Friends to Play Multiplayer With...

To get this silly little blog started off with a bang (or rather an unimaginative top 5 list), I invoke something that every gamer worth his/her salt has to deal with: playing with IDIOTS. Now, I don't mean idiots in a hateful way, rather as those friends you play with whose faults become ever more apparent with every second that passes in their virtual presence.

Perhaps you know these people. Perhaps you ARE one of these people; lord knows I've fit one or more of these descriptions at one point or another. The point is that they exist, and perhaps now you will be given proper information on who these people are and why they kinda suck to play with.

5. The Duct-Tape Gamer:
This term can be applied to a large group of people, but their defining characteristic is some form of faulty equipment. Whether it's a controller malfunctioning, a mic that constantly cuts out and echoes, or an internet connection that means you can't go ten minutes of playing without this person being booted from/lagging out of your session, this person just can't seem to get their shit together.
"What's the holdup?! Why aren't we playing already?", says you.
"We're waiting for douche-face to FIX HIS NETS!", says I.

4. The Screen-Looker:
While this was once the scourge of all multiplayer-based shooters on consoles, the advent and popularization of online has made the screen-looker an endangered species. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, try to recall the days of split-screen. Remember the person who just happened to know where everyone was hiding? Remember the heathen who managed to make the most ridiculous evasive maneuvers just as you got them in your sights?
No, this person was not touched by God and no they don't have ESP. They are just a dirty cheater who is looking at your part of the screen. This was always a difficult offense to prove, but the punishment would always be severe. To the dirty screen-looker goes the ire and many punches of his contemporaries.

3. The Apathetic One:
Like all good times in life, nothing can spoil a video game session faster than someone who just doesn't care. After all, video games are supposed to be a euphoric experience and one that builds friendship and community (YES I'M SERIOUS!). So why then do some dudes just seem depressed or bored when playing with their buds?
Is it because they really don't enjoy the game or that they just hate you personally? Either way, if you're laughing and having a good time only to be greeted by stony and disheartening silence coming through your headsets, you know your session is about to go from ^__^ to T__T.

2. The Clueless Teammate:
Let's face it, even if you're on a team in a multiplayer game, there usually isn't a lot of actually teamwork going on. However, games like Left 4 Dead, Team Fortress 2, and the Battlefield games stress teamwork as a NECESSITY for success and/or survival. This is usually where having an actual friend to play the game with would come in handy. At least it would if they actually realized you were alive. It would be handy if they actually acknowledged when you needed help as much as you gave it to them.
No dude, it's cool. Yeah, you got the last med kit, but you can have this one, too. Just keep these flesh-eating monsters off me, okay? Or just run off and leave me to fend for myself like you are currently doing. That's cool, too, I guess.

And last, but most certainly least...

1. The Idiot Savant:
This menace has existed for generations and has permeated all facets of the gaming world. Stop me if you've heard this before... even though you can't because this is typed out already...
You buy a game. You get pretty decent at said game. You invite a friend to play said game. They have never played said game. They proceed to UTTERLY DESTROY YOU AT SAID GAME.
Either they were lying or you just suck ass, but the fact of the matter is nothing is worse than that smug look on a friend's face when they stomp you at a game that they have never ever played before. Nothing ruins friendships or games in general like the idiot savant. They are truly the bane of all existence and the killer of innocent children.